time to move on and change things up.
// power-on self-test >
it’s been a few months since i’ve posted anyting here, but now i think i may have some time to work on things a bit more. i put in my two week-notice at work after some frustrating experiences. i was effectively working 10 or more cybersecurity roles, stretching myself incredibly thin to the point of tearing in half, and somehow still getting more work dumped onto me. i don’t necessarily think it was due to bad leadership, to be fair. at least not my direct leadership. they tried to protect me as much as possible, being their top guy and all.
from assissting with it operations, infrastructure, service deployment and administration, compliance, ai and data governance, all the way to pentesting and risk/vuln assessments–i was handling all of it. and despite not holding a leadership position, i was included in more leadership meetings than i cared to be a part of.
i was averaging 10 hour days, had to restart therapy sessions, and tried to squeeze in two personal training sessions a week, one of which was on saturdays just so i could be available during the work week. i was beyond burnout at this point, and was being too damn stubborn to admit it. getting paid close to $200k per year was making me think it was justified. but i realize now, all i’m doing is sacrificing my health to improve someone else’s bottom line yet again.
it has to stop.
// v2.0 >
last year was a trip in that i achieved something i never thought possible. i was always on the fence about spirituality, but having gone through that kundalini awakening experience really broke my concept of reality. i still see it, and find it weighing on my mind often enough that i find myself wishing i could live in that state forever. my nervous system felt clean–it felt pure. i felt the burden of existing melt away along with the anxiety and fear that it drags along with it. if i want to achieve that state again, i have to put my nervous system back in a state where it can heal instead of feeling like it is constantly being threatened or under attack.
while out on my morning walk, i realized how tense my core is; my abdomen and pectorals naturally want to tense up to draw my shoulders and back over like a shield. i say naturally because that is the state that i’ve been accustom thoughout the majority of my existence. a state of trying to protect myself from everything and everyone–a state of treating everything as a threat. that is the opposite of natural.
it may take some time to heal from this, or it could also be easier than i’m making it out to be, but whatever the case may be, i plan on desconstructing this wall, and any other wall, brick by brick to get to the root of my psychological issues.
i am in full agreement, as i have been over the course of the last decade, that i am ultimately responsible for me. i have taken full ownership and will do what i have always done–figure it the fuck out and fix the problem.
// repo repose >
i don’t think i will continue with github moving forward. i had already tried appealing the account suspension, but they never got back to me. luckily, i had most of the important repositories cloned locally, so i didn’t lose much, if anything.
i have plenty of options for public facing repos, and i’m using Cloudflare pages to host some of my projects live. i know i could move to gitlab, but not sure i want to. i could also just keep everything self-hosted on gitea as i’m currently doing, but that means it i can’t make it publicly available. most of it wouldn’t be public, anyway. only certain things.
i still have no clue how my blog was popped. the only thing that makes sense is that it was a supply chain attack on the version of jekyll that was being used, but i hadn’t seen any news on it. it’s either that, or perhaps they thought one of the test payloads i was using was malicious and it got flagged. the latter makes way more sense, but i never got to see what the malicious code looked like to fully grasp the issue. if i ever find the time to revisit it, i’ll see if i can write up a breakdown on what actually happened.
// eof >
well, i have two weeks with not much else to do while i figure out what i really want to do. i’m hoping to put my creative skills to use and do some interesting things with my time.
stay tuned!
- an0malous