life has a weird way of kicking you in the teeth when you least expect it… and sometimes, weird shit just seems to be the only thing on the menu.

// awakened state >

well, the strangest thing happened to me and i can’t really explain why or how. i can only provide the details of what transpired up to the very point when this event occured.

around march of this year, after i had quit my job to focus on my health, i was doing my normal routine of completely fucking off and consuming way too much youtube. a few years back, i had developed an anxious tick of picking at my beard which i would end up needing to trim or shave after a while due to it being thin in the area that i was picking at. this is a tick that really pisses me off because i like my beard and i want to grow it out, but i keep on having to regrow it due to this issue. being irritated at this, i decided to force myself into a highly conscious state to observe my hands and make sure i wasn’t reaching to pick at my beard and then started trying figuring out why i developed this tick and what the overall source of my anxiety was.

apparently, i did not realize that what i was doing was called shadow work. i had heard of shadow work before from reading about carl jung, but that was not my intention going into this. shadow work is essentially conducting analysis of the repressed/supressed parts of a person, such as things that would cause shame, guilt, or fear. things that society at large, your family, your friends, or whatever, would likely find disgusting or abhorent. this is usually the case, but it can also be postive aspects as well, such as a man being told all his life that showing any sort of positive emotion is indicative of feminine qualities, or a boy being called gay because he isn’t interested in girls at his young age. these things end up molding a person’s mask, or what is called the ego, which is worn in all social interactions as a defense mechanism so you can easily integrate into the collective. they are not only the things our parents, teachers, and friends (as well bullies) taught us growing up, but also the traumas we experienced along the way.

at any rate, i ended up examining one of my childhood memories closely while trying to maintain a neutral disposition. this was a memory from when i was around 5 or 6 years old. i’ll spare the bulk of the details, but i was basically beaten to the point where i blacked out and i think the only reason my father stopped was because he thought he killed me. somehow, due to me trying to emotionally detach from that memory to examine it from a wholistic perspective, i was able to understand that in order for me to grow up to be who i am today, it was necessary for me to go through that. it sounds shitty, i know, but in order for me to understand what true unconditional love is, i had to experience the opposite.

in that moment, i felt clarity. i felt serenity. this sensation worked its way up until my head felt like it was about to explode with what i can only describe as an incredibly blissful orgasm. not an orgasm in my pants, you dirty fuck, but an orgasm in my head. i felt a weird rush almost like something was funneling information directly into my brain, as if i was connected to something outside of myself–something higher than myself. i felt connected to everything and everyone. i felt as if i could astral project on a whim. i fully understood what unconditional love was and there was no place for fear or hatred in my heart. i felt euphoric and present.

over the next few days, i had revalation after revalation about what existence really is and what our purpose is here. thoughts and words were flowing from me like poetry, but i could not claim them as my own. all of the information was flowing through me like a conduit. i experienced instantaneous manifestation and understood that reality is truely a projection of a person’s inner state, but not just their thoughts, their emotional and physical state play a role in this, too. the physical reality before me was exactly like a mirror and the things that i would think or say were immediately echoed back in various formats, such as books (both fiction and nonfiction), television shows, movies, youtube videos, blogs, and in music. i couldn’t blame this on an algorithm because all of my books are physical copies and my music library is not stored in the cloud. it felt like a playground.

another incredible thing was that i was able to see my past like a filmstrip that led up to the present. every action, every choice, every event that propelled me to where i am now. i couldn’t see into the future, however. the future is not static. there are an infinite number of outcomes that hinge upon the decisions that we all make, so it is impossible for you to know what is actually going to happen. You are able to influence the future, though. You can force outcomes by mastering your mental, emotional, and physical state. i know this sounds an aweful lot like chaos magick (at least for those who have read liber kaos, perhaps), but i believe this is where chaos magick originated from. hence, if you aren’t completely convinced of an outcome, it may or may not transpire due to your own inner conflicts. if there is something that you want to achieve and you are constantly comparing yourself to other people who seem to have it easier in life, you’re likely going to fail or find it more difficult to achieve that goal. this is why social media can be detrimental to your own aspirations.

i already knew that our reality was a mathmatial contruct (golden ratio, or phi), but this also made me understand that there is way more to the world beyond our limited senses can comprehend. it doesn’t take a quantum physicist to explain any of it, either. the people who came before us understood this as well, but we allowed authority to convice us that these highly spiritual people were nothing but savages. indigenous people, native americans, and those with pagan or animist beliefs were in tune with nature and the stars above. i won’t sit here and say they were all good, of course, since we know they still warred and killed other tribes and such, but erasing all of these cultures and beliefs to replace it with a few giant religions that essentially commited the same (or worse) attocities is kind of stupid if you ask me. regardless, the truth of the matter is that religion was weaponized against the masses as a form of control. it is a hard pill to swallow for a good portion of the world’s population, but it is easier to believe the lies these days since society looks down on those with differing opinions.

you were led to believe that if you pray hard enough, if you give your money to the church, if you accept that you are a scumbag that was born into sin, and if you behave like an obedient slave, some random mesiah would show up to save your sorry ass. as if anyone today would dare peel their eyes away from their smartphones for long enough to realize a mesiah was walking the streets in front of them anyway. if only they read that book they cling onto for dear life, that hill that they continue to choose to die on at any chance they get when their fragile beliefs are called into question, properly to understand the message was clear from the onset; what you are looking for is inside of you! it isn’t in brick and mortar buildings, it isn’t a man with a grey beard in the clouds, it isn’t the cherry-picked verses of your pastors or priests, and it sure as hell isn’t a piece of dirt in the middle of a desert worth bombing the shit out of people for.

this ultimately was what led me to the more important revalation that shattered my own reality: the language of the divine is parable, allegory, symbolism, and metaphore. the story of jesus, like the stories of other traditions that discuss enlightened beings (buddha, mohammed, merlin, mithra, horus), are allegory for human consciousness and its inherent connection to divinity therein. there are no exclusions nor exceptions to this. every single human is connected to higher consciousness, or what some call “christ” consciousness. i personally do not believe jesus, nor any of these other figures, physically existed, but they, much like many other stories, were used to personify a quality or aspect of the human condition, whether it be psyche or physical, as early humans did not have the proper terminology to convey these things any other way. in fact, i don’t think early humans even needed language to communicate, but they understood symbolism (take the pyramids in egypt for example). this is where the story of the tower of babel comes into play, where a portion of it is figurative, and a portion is literal. we can only hope to capture the essence of the divine in the form of art due to this (and by accident, in most cases).

oh, and that which you call god (i call it source because it makes more sense) is not a man or a woman, nor is it good or evil. source, much like the yin and yang, is all-encompassing. it is everything and nothing. it is like trying to describe infinity, which you can’t because your monkey-ass brain cannot fathom infinity. heaven and hell are the (dys)harmony of your mental, emotional, and physical state. the more you play the victim, the more you will be victimized. take responsibility for those three things and you will find true liberation.

well… this rant got a bit long. there is definitely much more to say, but i think i will leave it for a follow-up post. i am planning on revamping this blog in the near future and consolidating some stuff. i still want to use it for security research, but i won’t limit it to just that. i had also envisioned it looking a bit different than it does now and not sure why it turned out looking like this. i will adjust the stylesheet etc. at some point.

// eof >

life, much like the motion of a pendulum, has its ups and downs. treat every event as an opportunity to learn and grow, no matter if it is positive or negative.

• an0malous